I feel bad.

I'm tired of people rejecting me.
really.
I know I ain't as fun to be with like some people I know.
I know sometimes I accidentally say something stupid.
I know I like attention.
But so what, we all like attention don't we?
I just don't know where to get attention from.
If you guys are so good at being yourself,
then teach me how to be me!

I like attentions that is genuine.
I like attentions that is kind.
And best of all, I like attentions that is patient.
Why the hell would I simply want attention from a mamak attendant??




Recently,
I've been betrayed.
I feel bad.
So damn bad.
I don't know why.

I don't even know is it even called betrayal.
I was just ditched aside.
Cause someone told me to get a 'new friend'.
I didn't think he meant it, but after a few times I tried making my steps.
I figured he did.


I don't know why would he say that.
All the laughs and inside jokes, if it were,
are now all gone.
I felt like I lost a friend.
Cause I trusted him so much.
Now I felt like I lost myself.
I don't know who to hang out with in college now.
I'm sooo torn.

I feel like a damn loser.

Shit.

This hurt me bad.
They always make me look like a villain.
Make me look like an outcast.
Purposely pick arguments and simply label me as something I'm not exactly.
Then when I retort, to defend myself,
they just make it worse for me.
Keep the air hostile.
Keep the mood angered.

So if I ever want to tag along,
I'm in for another scorn treat.

I can't believe I always want to hang around them.
I'm such an idiot.
When I was younger,
I followed nobody.
And nobody followed me.

Now when I'm older,
I don't know how to follow people.
When I follow anyone,
they always make me feel like an annoyance to be rid of.

I've always wanted to help them
I never backstab them
I never speak false light about them.
I always wanted to be part of something.

I always put the blame on my looks.
the blame on my skills.
If you all don't know,
I really wish I could play music.
Then maybe things won't be so bad.

These people don't appreciate arts.
These people don't appreciate basketeball.
These people don't appreciate words.
All the more reason, they don't appreciate me.

Shit.
Fag man...
why am I typing all these out.
I don't even know who will read them.

I just want to remind myself,
how I hate to lose friends.
how I hate to be alone.
and how I hate to be left behind.

Why isn't there someone like me out there?
If there is, where can I find them?
I've always dream a place where I am always welcome.
No matter what.
I'm always important.
No matter what.
a place where the people are happy to have me.
No matter what.

Guess that place is no where near earth.

Oh,
Now I remember too.
I also pretty much hate to move on.
Move on from something/someone that I had so much hope on
So much efforts and time spent on
So much secrets and trust placed on
just to figure that something/someone isn't going to be with me.

it's so difficult to learn from all these.
No one in my life to teach my how to.
Why don't you?
And if you teach me, would you not throw me away?
Like a once upon a time friend I had?

(",)

Sighx...

I'm not crying.
I'm just hurt bad.
Very.